Envelop yourself in a synthetic simulation of comfort with this brooding, ultra-soft Sherpa Security Blanket. Engineered for maximum coziness and minimal emotional vulnerability, it is ideal for solitary evenings staring into the void, pretending you don’t feel anything. Perfect for curling into a defensive position during overwrought movie scenes, failed system patch deployments, or the crippling realization that entropy always wins. Its jet-black exterior absorbs both heat and regret, while the plush sherpa fleece interior provides the illusion of warmth and safety. Designed for students, sysadmins, or anyone whose idea of a relaxing evening involves existential spirals and watching packet captures for fun. Also makes an excellent gift for those who enjoy pretending everything is fine. Because nothing says ‘I care’ like enabling another layer of denial. Available in two soul-crushing shades of black. Fits effortlessly into your grayscale, hope-neutral décor.
Product Features (for those who still read these):
100% polyester, because organic fabrics are too emotionally unpredictable
Deep, non-reflective black to absorb light, heat, and optimism
Sherpa fleece backside: soft enough to simulate human affection
Rounded corners, so you don’t poke yourself while trying to feel again
Multiple sizes, because your problems come in different scales
Care Instructions (which you will ignore):
Machine wash separately: cold, like your heart
No bleach—this isn’t the time for purity
Tumble dry low, preferably while questioning your life choices
Do not iron—what would be the point?
Do not dry clean—leave the stains, they tell a story
